Well. After far too long, even for one who writes at the speed of a snail on Prozac, my first semicompleted work of fanfiction is finally ready to post. It's a little hard to believe, really... Anyway. For all you folks on rec.arts.anime.creative and alt.fan.sailor- moon, the rather odd little piece you're about to read is but part of a much greater whole: the Sailor Moon Expanded metaseries, known to some as "that big honkin' continuity." The one with the Dark Kingdom Renegades, Trenchcoat- Mask, Rabbit Test, Crystal Renegades, and quite a lot more...what, you've never heard of us? Oh, come on...all right, just fire up your web-browser, check out Andy Combs's SME homepage at www.texas.net/~android/sme_main.html, and then come back here and read this. Or you could read this first, though I warn you it might not make a lot of sense. For those of you who don't know me (which includes, I *hope*, almost everybody reading this), my name is Samuel Ashley, though I'm more often known as the Evil Midnight Lurker what Lurks at Midnight (You can't pin nothin' on me, Senshi, I'm just a part-time magisci tech! I...BAD IS GOOD, BABY! DOWN WITH CRYSTAL TOKYO!). Ah...'scuse me, alter egos can be so annoying at times...^_^; I've been involved with SME for some time now, but due to my aforementioned snails' pace speed I've only now managed to finish this thing. (Hey, I beat my own self-imposed deadline...finish one chapter of one of my projects before John Biles finishes 'Furinkan Summer.' I like to set realistic goals. :) What you are about to read is not exactly conventional fanfiction. I'm a culinary-arts student, and in the course of some correspondence with Mark Latus I expressed sadness at the demise of the Dark Kingdom ecosystem and subsequent lack of DK cuisine to sample--and shortly thereafter wrote up a bizarre recipe from the kitchens of Queen Beryl. Mark loved it and suggested I write more, I asked him if I could use the Renegades as a framing device... and before I knew it I found myself the fourth member of the Sailor Moon E authors' cabal, working on a comprehensive guide to all things Dark Kingdomy. This, the Dark Kingdom Cookbook, is just the first wave. Its companion piece, the Encyclopedia Metallia, should hit the newsgroups about the same time this does; in it, you'll find details on all the strange and unpleasant foodstuffs mentioned here, as well as bits of info about other aspects of the DK. (These of course pertain only to that iteration of the Dark Kingdom peculiar to the Sailor Moon Expanded universe; Takeuchi-sama left it vague enough that we just went wild.) Other upcoming oddities include a history of the Kingdom (well, a timeline anyway; I'm no James Michener), a DK calendar (still being hashed out), a youma lexicon (years away at this point), and a map of the Dark World (a primitive ASCII version of which can be found on the above-mentioned website; a much niftier graphic version has been completed and should be up there shortly). If you've been reading, say, "Girls' Night Out" and happened to wonder just what a Ktar beetle is, these are the places to look. If you like this, be sure to read the works of the other SME authors (whose stories, unlike this one, contain actual plots and characters and stuff): Mark Latus, Andy Combs, Frank Barr, Doug Helm, Christian Gadeken, Ben Harrison, Becky Malsin, and Berk' Watkins. Without them, none of this would have been possible. Additional thanks go to Mark for posting this to alt.fan.sailor-moon, the existence of which my newsreader refuses to acknowledge... Happy reading...and one last thing: The management takes *no* responsibility for any property damage, injuries, or psychological trauma resulting from attempts to reproduce these recipes. You have been warned... :) --The Evil Midnight Lurker Standard Questionably Useful Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and all related characters were created by Naoko Takeuchi; copyright Takeuchi-sama, Kodansha, Toei, DIC and whoever else. The Dark Kingdom Renegades and related characters were created by Mark Latus. Wixxel grease was created by Phil Foglio but has been mutilated beyond recognition. Larnuma oil and Alether were created by Joe Dever but likewise mutilated. Hidebehinds and gardinels were stolen from Appalachian folklore, but no one's ever copyrighted that stuff so who cares? Anyway this incarnation of the gardinel is completely original so go away. All other bizarre creatures and foodstuffs are wholly the creation of the Sailor Moon E Taskforce. Please be nice and don't sue us... The Evil Midnight Lurker what Lurks at Midnight in association with Flying Giant Rubber Monsters from Space, Inc. presents a Sailor Moon Expanded project "...The best cooking everywhere in the multiverse had been evolved by people who had to make desperate use of ingredients their masters didn't want. No one would even try a bird's nest unless they had to. Only hunger would make a man taste his first alligator. No one would eat a shark's fin if they were allowed to eat the rest of the shark." --Terry Pratchett, "Witches Abroad" THE DARK KINGDOM COOKBOOK Part One: MY DINNER WITH BERYL Translated from Youma'shak by W. Samuel Ashley Few sources of information on the defunct Dark Kingdom of Arcadia-in-Exile remain for the serious scholar. Most records were lost in the destruction of the entire dimension by the reincarnated Princess Serenity; all that remains is a handful of data crystals. Those found in Nephrite's Juuban headquarters are mostly concerned with military strategy and astrology (including one precious codex of Silver Millennium astro-thaumaturgical theory), while those brought to Earth by Calcite's renegades consist primarily of physics texts (Dr. Pyrite's collection, of great value in the reestablishment of a magic- based economy but nearly useless from a historian's standpoint) and recipe books (courtesy of Sailor Polaris, aka Titanite). Oddly enough, it is these latter volumes that have provided us with the most information short of the Renegades themselves; the flora and fauna of the world of Shaizaar were in many cases poisonous or unreasonably hostile, and anyone attempting to cook and eat them was well advised to learn as much as possible about the intended meal. Titanite's recipe collection goes into great detail on the life cycles and habits of the plants, animals, and less classifiable life-forms involved in each dish. In many cases the natural habitat of the subject is also outlined, as an aid to hunting (few Exile life-forms were domesticable). Accompanying maps in one crystal are the only surviving guide to Shaizaar geography (the tactical maps in Nephrite's collection cover only a few square miles each). Sailor Polaris's serendipitous discovery of an alternate universe, with its own Exile virtually identical to our own, could have spelled a major breakthrough in the xenobiological sciences. The few specimens of Shaizaarian life brought back from the Renegades' stay represent only a fraction of what we might learn from this not-quite-unique world; anyone who has ever eaten baked jundroot can testify that not all things Dark are dangerous. Sadly, Queen Serenity has thus far denied all requests for even a partial revocal of her ban on interdimensional transit. For the true student of the Dark Kingdom, I highly recommend a dinner at the Renegades' Haven in Crystal Tokyo. A full analysis of the Dark Kingdom ecosystem has been published elsewhere (Mizuno and Pyrite, "A Full Analysis of the Dark Kingdom Ecosystem," retitled "Dark Eden: Evolution with an Attitude" in an attempt to boost sales); that work is meant primarily for those with an extensive background in the biological sciences, and in this author's opinion has been unjustly criticized for not striving to reach a wider audience. We should instead blame the publishers' crass repackaging of a highly technical work at the tabloid level. This volume and its companion, the Encyclopedia Metallia, are an attempt to redress the scales, presenting Titanite's collection in abbreviated form; all original recipes are present, along with edited versions of the Exile bestiary. I hope this will give the lay reader a clear vision of life in the Dark King- dom, and perhaps a new appreciation of life out of it. --William S. Ashley Dean of Xenobiological Studies, Crystal Tokyo University November 27, 2257 All measurements have been converted to Standard English. Recipes are presented in their original menu format, with notes on the ingredients and preparation following each complete meal. Names have in some cases been wholly or partially translated to English, as an attempt to capture the flavor of Dark Kingdom terminology; to that vast majority of the population who do not speak youma'shak, "Ks'chetek" is simply not as meaningful as its literal translation, "Deadwalker." Chapter 1: Graxat Dinner for Four This menu is said to have been one of Queen Beryl's favorites. The nobles of Arcadia were great gourmets before their Fall, and judging by Titanite's records that did not change with the exile. On the other hand, as generations of Arcadians mutated into youma under Metallia's influence, their idea of what constituted a gourmet meal changed radically. At first forced out of necessity to survive on the predominantly fungoid and arthropodal life native to the World of Exile, they rapidly adapted old cuisine to new ingredients; by the time the Great Curse warped the old ecosystem into something intrinsically hostile to youma, the Dark Kingdom was so well established (and its denizens now so powerful) that they hardly noticed. The centerpiece of this particular meal began life as pork sauteed in red wine; its final form is a model of youma adaptability (and constitution). MENU: Cold Rotweed and Jundroot Soup a la Velkarth Tenderloin of Graxat Sauteed with Voren Braised Veleth Gray Salad Sweetbreadfruit Baked with Wine and Karouth Green or Orange Wine Sherathic Bread To prepare this three-course dinner in half an hour, start with the dessert, which takes longest to cook. The veleth and graxat are carried on simultaneously, and while they finish cooking, the soup is assembled. The gray (fungal) salad needs no recipe. SWEETBREADFRUIT BAKED WITH WINE AND KAROUTH A baking dish 2" high and 8" in diameter 1 Tb softened wixxel grease 3 to 4 firm, ripe sweetbreadfruits 1/3 cup thornyfruit jam 1/4 cup dry green tharouve 2 to 3 dried karouth tops 2 Tb wixxel grease cut into dots Smear baking dish with grease. Peel, quarter, and core the sweetbread- fruits; cut into lengthwise slices about 3/8 inch thick, and arrange in the dish. Force the thornyfruit jam through a sieve into a bowl; blend with the tharouve, and pour over the fruit. Crumble the karouth over all, and top with the wixxel grease dots. Set in a middle level of preheated oven and bake for 20 to 25 minutes, until top has blackened slightly. Serve hot, warm, or cold. VELETH BRAISED IN UR-PRAWN STOCK 2 Tb wixxel grease A heavy-bottomed 2-quart oozepan 1-1/4 cup unwashed raw veleth spores 1/4 cup dry green tharouve 2-1/2 cups ur-prawn stock or bouillon Salt and cailla Melt the grease over moderate heat. Add the veleth and stir slowly with a woodfungus fork until spores turn translucent, then gradually a milky blue--about 2 minutes. Add the tharouve and let absorb, then stir in a third of the ur-prawn stock. Lower heat and let veleth cook at the barest simmer for 3 to 4 minutes, stirring occasionally. (Start on the graxat at this point, and carry on the two operations simultaneously.) When liquid is absorbed, stir in half the remaining stock and continue cooking slowly, stirring occasionally with your woodfungus fork, and when liquid is absorbed again add the last of the stock. When this is finally absorbed, taste the veleth. If not as tender as you wish, add a bit more stock or water and cover the pan for a few minutes. Veleth should take 15 to 18 minutes total cooking time. Season to taste with salt and cailla. TENDERLOIN OF GRAXAT SAUTEED WITH VOREN 1-1/2 to 2 lbs. graxat tenderloin cut into 3/4" slices 2 tb wixxel grease 1 tb larnuma oil 10 oz fresh voren mushrooms 1/2 tsp mixed powdered lichen 1/4 tsp salt Optional: small clove alether, mashed 2 or 3 tb finely minced rotweed stalks 1/4 cup youma blood (*) Heat the grease and oil in a 10" heavy skillet. When grease foam has subsided, add the meat and saute over high heat, tossing frequently, until it has blued lightly on all sides. Lower heat and continue cooking, tossing occasionally, until meat has stiffened when pressed with your talon. (Usual cooking time is 7 to 10 minutes; during this period you will have time to mind the veleth, chop rotweed and heedra, and assemble the soup.) Wring out the mushrooms, reserving the bile. Chop and add to the meat. Sprinkle on the lichen and salt; add the rotweed, and optional alether; toss for a moment, then pour in the mushroom bile and the blood of an enemy. Boil down to reduce by half. Set aside if you are not ready to serve and reheat when needed. Ooze and Serving 2 ur-prawn eggs A small enameled oozepan 1 tb cold stock or youma blood 4 to 6 tb softened wixxel grease 2 tb minced heedra Beat the eggs vigorously in oozepan with a wire whip until yolks are thick and sticky. Beat in the cold liquid and 1/2 tablespoon of grease, then gradually beat in the meat-cooking juices. Stir over low heat until mixture has thickened into a slurry; remove from heat and beat in the remaining grease by tablespoonfuls. Ooze will be the consistency of shaiwort ichor; keep over tepid water if not used immediately. Arrange the veleth on either side of an oval platter; place the tenderloin in the middle, spoon the ooze over, and sprinkle with heedra. COLD ROTWEED AND JUNDROOT SOUP A LA VELKARTH Forty ounces of rotweed and jundroot soup, chilled Salt, cailla, carpenter-snail extract Optional: ur-prawn stock or milk, chilled About one cup shaiwort ichor 1 cup julienned sculliugh (matchstick size), drained and seasoned with salt and cailla 2 to 3 Tb finely minced rotweed stalks Turn the chilled soup into a bowl; season to taste with salt, cailla, and snail extract. If too thick, dilute with ur-prawn stock or milk; if too thin, beat in a few tablespoons of shaiwort ichor. Just before serving, pour chilled soup into bowls; place a big spoonful of ichor in the center; top with another big spoonful of sculliugh, and sprinkle with minced rotweed. (*) This ingredient requires extreme caution. Youma are intrinsically mystic beings, infused with the power of the Abyss; as a result, their chemical makeup varies widely from one individual to another--and one must also take into account their even more variable *alchemical* makeup. The youma blood-typing system records over thirty distinct classifications, each with at least three subgroups (positive, negative, and neutral); addition of an ill-chosen type to an otherwise harmless dish can have disastrous consequences. For this recipe, Beryl's chefs recommend type K-negative if at all possible; if unavailable, any of the F, K, or N types will suffice--except Fg-neutral (which will melt the graxat) and N-positive (which emits clouds of soporific gas when mixed with voren bile). Any H, P, or Q types will transform the dish into one of five lethal poisons; this can be useful in the appropriate circumstances. Do NOT use S3-negative blood in this recipe under any circumstances whatsoever! Field researchers have never been able to determine the ultimate fate of Zoisite's old kitchen staff. The tendency of youma to disintegrate on death is a problem far more easily solved; Queen Beryl's personal staff rarely had any difficulty securing living donors. Next time on the Dark Kingdom Cookbook: Part 2--Holidays in Hell. ...Well, there you have it. Just a flash of culinary insanity from the Evil Midnight Lurker. I hope I've brought a little more weirdness into your day...next up, we'll have a look at the Dark Kingdom's major (in fact only) religious holiday and the accompanying feast, including such delicacies as Grilled Ur-Prawn with Snail Sauce. Mmm...snail sauce... :) In addition to all the SME stuff mentioned in the opener, I'm working on a number of *story*-oriented fanfics; however, given my dead-slow speed, it's anyone's guess when (or *if*) they'll ever see the light of day. Still, here's a look at what you might be seeing from me in the distant future... --Ranma 1/2-Parker Lewis Can't Lose: THE MASTERS OF HAMMERSPACE Mousse's old friend Jerry Steiner comes to Nerima, to field-test a new invention. Jerry intended the Ki Augmentation Personalized Power Armature only for medical purposes; it never occurred to him that Mousse would use it to become an invincible superwarrior... and if you think the chaos-potential is high *now,* just wait until the aliens invade. A tale of comedy, romance, and interstellar war... --KAKUTOU SENTAI NIICHUANRANGER: Martial Taskforce Cursed-Spring Rangers Everyone always said that Happousai was possessed of an evil spirit... and they were *right*. When Ranma and Ryouga accidentally freed the Darkling from its imprisonment, it took on the nature and powers of a sentai supervillain--and now the only thing that can stop it is a Ranger sentai! Very much against his will, Ranma must lead a team of five Jusenkyou-cursed teenagers...okay, *four* teenagers and one large stocky fortyish bald guy...into spandex-clad battle against some of the silliest kaijuu since Ultraseven. "Pop, if you don't stop playin' the Voltron theme I'm gonna hafta hurt you..." --TIGER OF DREAMS: A Twisted Tale from Beyond the Wall of Sleep A miscast spell is nightly drawing everyone in Nerima into H.P. Lovecraft's Dreamlands...and removing all memories of the waking world. A tale of swords and sorcery--well, make that *ki* and sorcery--and a comedy of errors in the lands of Earth's dreams... --CHOUJIKUU SENSHI GUYVER: Hyperdimensional Warrior Guyver In 1985, Sho Fukamachi and Mizuki Segawa laid down their lives to save humanity from eternal slavery at the hands of the Kronos conspiracy. Their sacrifice bought the world a hundred years of peace and prosperity...followed by three centuries of unimaginable chaos. Now, as the Earth begins to rebuild, Sho and Mizuki are reborn into the new reality...the war-torn, demon-haunted world of Rifts. --SENSHI YATSURA SAILOR URUSEI Luna and Artemis thought their job could not possibly get worse. When some of Beryl's old allies descend on Tomobiki, the cats discover just how wrong they were...with the return of the Far Stars Senshi, better known in the Silver Millennium as Those Obnoxious Sailor Warriors... "Urusei ni kawatte, oshiyoki yo!" (In case you couldn't guess, this one has *nothing* to do with SME...) Any comments, questions, or flames? Please direct 'em to emlurker@ghidora.planetx.org. The Evil Midnight Lurker what |E-M-Lurker Dragon|**Spem Successus Alit** /~||~\ Lurks at Midnight (YEAH BABY!)| -==(UDIC)==- |Member, Carlin Institute\ /| / (emlurker@ghidora.planetx.org)|Makoto--Ai--Yuuki| for Yahtzee Theory \\// Babylon 5: One moment of perfect beauty, all alone in the night. <*> LLL! \/