The old man whistled as he sauntered into the resturant. It was a
beautiful summer night in Furinkan-cho, Nerima. "Khu Lon? Are you in?" He
tapped his pipe on the counter to emphasise his words.
	The equally old woman emerged from the kitchen a few seconds later,
via her long gnarled staff. "And a good evening to you too, Happi. I see
you've gone without shaving your feet for awhile."
	Happosai grinned sheepishly. "I figured that in this day and age of
political correctness it was a crime not to take pride in one's ethnicity.
Besides, I am nearly the last of my kind."
	Cologne raised an eyebrow, "Nearly the last? And here you were
always moaning about being the only little person left."
	"You remember Lukkosai, right?"
	"The one who turns invisible?"
	"No, that's Chingensai, the dwarf. Entirely different man. Also,
there's my cousins Sakuranbou and Sakuranko still in Tomobiki-cho. She has
a daughter, of course, but Sakura's a halfbreed. As big as you used to be.
I suspect young Sarugakure Sasuke, the Kunou clan manservant if you
remember, has the blood but I'm not completly sure. Which reminds me, I
hate that name 'little person.' You aren't that tall anymore either,
Khu-chan."
	Cologne snorted as she poured the twin glasses of sake. "At least I
had something to shrink, unlike you poor halflings. Besides which, why
aren't you somewhere depriving young women of their undergarments?"
	"Even the great lechers need a day off. I could ask the same thing
about why you aren't out with that foolish great-granddaughter of yours
trying to trick my heir?"
	"Shan Pu can take care of herself. Even that idiot Mu Si can, for
that matter. We Joketsuzoku breed tough. No, I sent to both of them out to
distract son-in-law."
	Happosai took a long sip of his sake. "He's not your son-in-law
yet, old friend."
	"No, but can you fault me for desiring him to be? It isn't very
often that we get the chance to have a direct descendant of you-know-who
marry into our tribe."
	"Dear, you almost had the chance to have a direct descendant of one
of his peers become a Joketsuzoku and what did you do?"
	The crone smiled sadly. "Mother would never have let me wed a
halfling, even one who beat me. You know that as well as I do."
	"Ah, your mother Sha Min was ever the bigot. What did Fao Tin have
that I didn't?"
	"Moriquendi blood, I believe. Perfect to compliment my Sindar.
Genetics, darling. It's always been genetics."
	Happosai rolled his eyes toward heaven, "Manwë save me from idiots
who breed their children like cattle. So, since we both seem to have the
night off why don't we do something constructive? How about working on that
new Chinese translation of the Red Book?"
	Cologne grinned. "I'd love to. That Englishman you lent the volume
to skimped too much on his translation and all the others base theirs on
his. What were you doing hanging around Oxford back then, anyway?"
	He shrugged. "Same old, same old. It's a beautiful night, don't you
think. Only . . ."
	"Only what, Happi-kun?"
	"I have a feeling that something bad is going to happen soon.
Something worse than usual. Khu Lon . . ."
	"Hmm?"
	"My heir's school will be visiting Fuji-san next week. I still
recall my ancestor's large mistake. What if the archaelogical workers
discovers it? What if one of the children does?"
	Cologne shivered. That wasn't something she liked to think about at
all. "It's bloody unlikely, Happosai."
	His eyes were wild as he stared at her. "It's possible. Khu-chan,
my ancestor _saw_ it topple into the mountain. It can be found."
	She gulped. "But then we would need another bearer . . . another
attempt to destroy it . . . how did our ancestors do it? Damn you, now
_I'm_ worried."
	He looked away, out the window where people strolled down the
crowded Neriman streets. "It may not happen, but I worry all the same. Let
us work on that translation, Khu Lon. Worry helps no one."
	"True. I'll make us some tea while you go back and grab the book."
	The half-elf and the hobbit busied themselves with their tasks.

	The sun shown at its peak as the group of students trudged around
the bottom on Mount Fuji. Below it, Tendou Akane was pissed off. The source
of her being pissed off was walking in front of her, currently being
glomped by two people not even supposed to be on this trip.
	Akane snorted. Of course they couldn't leave their Ranma-sama alone
even for three days. Bimbos. Psychos. Jerks. She wished that one of the two
would try to maim the other. Kodachi could stick doped-up roses in
Shampoo's face. Shampoo could smack Kodachi with her bonbori. Just
_something_ or Akane would go insane.
	Hmmm, there was something shiny on the ground to the side of her.
It looked like gold. Akane picked it up. A ring. There was writing on the
inside of it that looked like no kana she'd ever seen. And yet . . . it was
beautiful. She had to keep it. Akane slid it into her pocket and fell into
line, suddenly happier than she'd been all day.
	It really was a precious ring.
	Her precious.


Insane Banana Productions
in association with

The Niichuan Ninja Foundation for Kunoichi
and
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal
presents

"One Pig to Rule Them All"
written by Becky Malsin

A crossover between
Ranma Nibun no Ichi and Tolkein's Middle Earth

Chapter One: "To Dream the Invisible Dream"


	He was swinging from the clothesline, like he did most clear
nights. "Hey Akane! Why're you fiddlin' with that chain around your neck?"
	She sighed exasperatedly. "If you haven't noticed, baka, there is a
ring on the chain."
	"Oh. Can I see it?" He grinned at her, then realised what she had
said and frowned. "Oh yeah, I am not a baka!"
	She shrugged, "Sure, sure. I'm in a good mood tonight so don't push
me. You can look, but don't touch."
	Ranma muttered "kawaiikune otemba" under his breath but nodded.
Akane undid the chain and handed it over to him.
	He rolled the ring over in his hand, wondering at the odd
engravings in the inside. "It's beautiful, Akane."
	"Thank you, Ranma," she replied softly, suprised at the compliment.
	"Try it on," he urged her, placing it in her hand. "I'd . . . well,
I'd like t'see you with it on."
	Akane, quite against her knowledge, blushed, "Really?"
	"Really."
	She smiled and drew it onto her finger. Heh. Ranma seemed to have a
panicked look on his face. "C'mon, I'm not that kawaiikunai!" she joked.
	Ranma started to look around the garden. "Stop hidin', Akane! It
ain't funny anymore."
	Akane frowned, "Whaddya mean, hiding? I'm right in front of you."
	Ranma snorted, "Yeah right! You can't fool me, Akane. You're just
hiding so you can mallet me when I'm not looking. I can't believe I was
nice to such a scheming, violent chick."
	"I am not violent!" Akane screamed, grabbing a handy hammer left
over from the dojo's latest repairs.
	Ranma stared at her. "What the hell? You're so violent that you can
make mallets float t'hit me."
	Akane grimaced, "For the last time, baka, I am right in front of
your face. Stop lying to me!"
	"I ain't lyin'!"
	"Oh yeah, RANMA NO BAKA!" The mallet blow arrived. Then another.
And another. It followed the principle that a mallet in motion tends to
remain in motion. (Tofu's Correlation to Newton's Laws of Motion, by the
way.)
	"Yaaahhhhh! I'm being hit by flying hammers!" Ranma screeched as
tried to find a safe corner of the Tendo garden.
	"Look at me, baka!" Akane growled, as she stood on top of the prone
Ranma.
	"I can't," Ranma moaned. "Either you're hiding while you make the
mallet fly at me or you're invisible."
	Akane stared at Ranma. "I'm invisible?" He managed to give her a
pained nod. "Of course! Why didn't I see it sooner?"
	"I think (wheeze) the entire point of being (groan) invisible is
not t'be (cough) seen," Ranma managed to get out.
	Akane grinned. Of course it was. Suddenly she felt a lot better.
"Sorry for hitting you, Ranma."
	"Err . . . apology accepted." Heh. Akane never apologized. That was
odd.
	"I think," Akane said, sweetly, "that I'll go outside and see just
what I can do with my new invisibility."
	Ranma blinked as he saw the gate open and close by itself. Ow. The
kawaiikune otemba had really battered him this time. What he needed was a
hot bath. Yeah. Then he'd tell Tendo-ojisan and Oyaji about the new
problem. They'd be out drinking in a few minutes, anyway. Ranma might not
get lectured untill they got home, then. Nice thought.
	He started to raise himself from the ground. Bath first, though.
He'd get yelled at enough when he told the 'rents and there was no way he
was gonna face them feeling like this.

	Akane was trying to stifle a giggle. He had really fallen for her
trick. Go outside her ass! There were much more interesting things to be
seen inside. For instance, if Ranma had even a small sense of cleanliness
he'd change clothes. With the beating she'd just gave him, it was a given.
	Thinking about hitting Ranma, Akane frowned. In a way, she liked
the jerk. He was an arrogant baka, true, but he was an honorable arrogant
baka who would sometimes show a small speck of sensitivity when nobody
noticed. It just wasn't often enough. Those few times Akane had, she had
found out that under his taunting exterior he had a good heart. Plus, as
even Akane had to admit, Ranma was handsome.
	Who was she kidding? He was so good-looking that even she would
have the odd dream about him! Only half of those were rejection dreams,
happily. The rest . . . ah the rest were what should only be termed good
dreams, although that would be the greatest of understatements. No wonder
she sometimes thought of those dreams when awake.
	Well, she was only flesh. Reflecting on that statement, Akane
started to follow Ranma upstairs. He ducked in the room he shared with
Saotome-ojisan for a second, but closed the door before she could follow
him in. Damn!
	On the other hand, when he exited the room she could see he was
only carrying a towel. Bingo! Suddenly Akane got an idea and had to
restrain herself from chuckling again . . .
	As she watched Ranma pour the cold water used for preliminary
cleaning, she wondered if she should have taken the ring off as well. She
didn't know if furo water damaged gold, but would it be wise to take
chances? It was a very precious ring, after all.
	Ah, it'd survive the bath. Better to watch Ranma-chan. Even as a
girl he was quite sexy, Akane mused, feeling quite content at her new
invisibility. If she had been visible, would she have attempted this? Hell
no! But now that he couldn't see her, it seemed like the natural thing to
do. Intellectually, she knew that might not be a good sign, but she
squelched that thought. She was in a good mood and she'd been wanting this
for awhile.
	Heh. He was talking to himself as the furo filled.
	Ranma-chan sighed, "Jeez, why does Akane always have to screw
things up like that? Hell, why do I? We were finally getting along well and
she has to turn invisible. Why do I put up with this?"
	She answered herself, "'Cause she's my iinazuke and, even if I
don't know why, I like her. She may be a kawaiikune otemba, but I'm gonna
miss looking at her. I wasn't lying when I said she's cute when she smiles.
She can even get as cute as Shampoo or Ukyou when she smiles. Maybe cuter."
	Ranma-chan shifted position at the edge of the furo. "Course, she
never smiles, but I don't blame her. I wouldn't want to be engaged to me. I
wouldn't want to sleep with Ryouga either, even if he's too chicken to pull
anything."
	Akane frowned. What did he mean by her sleeping with Ryouga? Ryouga
was harmless! She had this sneaking suspicion he had a crush on her, but
he'd never done anything to her. Not like Ranma, who'd spied on her when
she was naked. Akane smiled at a new thought. Turnabout _was_ fair play,
wasn't it.
	"What's that thing Nabiki says all the time?" Ranma-chan wondered.
"Sailor V? Nah, that doesn't sound quite right. Anyway, furo's ready.
Kamisama, I needed this bath."
	Ranma-chan eased herself into the tub. She grimaced as the hot
water touched his bruises, although it really hadn't hurt much more than
the cold water earlier. At least he was male again.
	Heh. Did the water just move? And what was the thing he felt on his
leg? It felt soft, almost, but sort of heavy at the same time. After awhile
the thing started to lean over most of his prone body. In fact, it seemed
incredibly soft right around chest level.
	Ranma frowned. He knew he should be able to identify the thing that
was leaning on him, but for the life of him he couldn't think of what it
was. His hands felt only moderately sore. He decided to see if, after
examining whatever it was, he could indentify . . . err, identify it.
	Hmm. It was soft. Curvy. There seemed to be a fine down on the legs
and arms. There was this rather large curve near the lower end of it that
was especially pleasing to the touch. As he felt the front of it, chest
level, Ranma noticed that there were two smaller curves that also were
pliant to his touch. He traced his hands upward. If Ranma didn't know
better he would have said he was tracing someone's face.
	Ranma stiffened. "Akane?" he whispered.
	He heared a giggle. "For someone who just felt me up, you seem to
have a hard time remembering my name."
	He sighed with relief, "Oh, it's you."
	Akane seemed disapointed. "Whaddya mean: oh, it's me? Who else
would turn invisible and take a bath with you?"
	"If Shampoo or Ukyou had the ability, they would." Ranma pointed out.
	"Yeah? Well, they don't. You're stuck with me."
	There was a silence. "I really don't mind being stuck with you at
all. It's just that . . . well, I'm used t'you trying to hurt me. Why the
sudden change?"
	Akane bit her lip and tried to untangle her motives, "Being
invisible makes me feel a lot more free than usual. It gives me license to
do anything, as long as no one sees me. I've actually wanted to do this for
awhile."
	Ranma grinned, "What to know a secret, Akane?"
	"What?"
	"I've wanted to do this too."
	She raised an invisible eyebrow. "Really? Why do you bother with
the others then? Do you want to screw with them too?"
	He blushed, "Maybe Shampoo, sorta, but I hardly know her. Ukyou's
like a sister. Kodachi's nuts. It ain't like you don't get violent, but
she's a thousand times worse. Hey! Why'd y'pinch me?"
	"You called me violent, baka." She sighed dramatically. "Why the
hell don't you tell any of the others to leave you alone?"
	Ranma gulped. "Because they'd kill me! They'd gang up together find
some way to make life hell for me!"
	"So, you string all of us along because you're afraid of what
they'll do otherwise. You really are a baka."
	"Hey, they wouldn't just go after me! They'd go after you and
Kasumi and Nabiki and Tendo-ojisan and Oyaji and Kaasan and everyone!"
	This was new to Akane. "You care about us?"
	"You're my family. Ain't it obvious?"
	"Not exactly."
	"Oh." Ranma paused, as if in thought. "I really wouldn't have
minded if the wedding had lasted, Akane. I just didn't like us being
forced."
	"Neither did I." She took a deep breath. "Ranma, I hope you know
that I watched you while you filled the furo."
	He nodded, slowly. "That makes sense. So you heard me?"
	"Yeah. Did you mean what you said about me being kawaii?"
	"Yes." Ranma looked out the window, "You can be very kawaii when
you ain't . . . aren't angry. I think I'm gonna miss that. And Akane, I
wasn't lying when I said I like you. Maybe I might love you, but it's too
soon t'tell."
	She stroked his cheek, "I don't know about love, either, but I like
you. A lot. I just get so angry when you do stupid things and then I loose
my temper. I think I could love a hentai baka; could you ever love a
kawaiikune otemba?"
	"Depends on who she is."
	"Think about it."
	Ranma thought about it. Then he began to laugh.
	Akane was puzzled. "What's so funny?" she asked.
	Between giggles, Ranma replied, "It's just that less than an hour
ago you were hammerin' me and now we're best of friends, sharing a bath
together. Don't . . . doesn't that strike you as funny?"
	Akane rolled that statement around in her mind, then began to laugh
as well. It _was_ pretty funny, wasn't it? "That isn't all we're gonna
share," she joked, when they had calmed down.
	Ranma seemed nonplussed. "Huh?"
	None to quick on the uptake, that boy, Akane mused. "You'll find
out. Sheesh, I thought your paranoid fantasies would have included this."
	"Paranoid fantasies?"
	"Yeah. For your information, I have never slept with Ryouga, nor do
I have any real motive to do so."
	Ranma shrugged, "Just because you don't know it's him won't change
the fact." He clamped his mouth shut and that seemed to be all he would say
on the subject. Akane sighed. Ranma could be so aggravating. If she wasn't
in such a wonderful mood, he'd be long past due for a pounding.
	However, she was in a good mood, one of her best in years, so she
decided to screw malleting. There were much more interesting things she
could do right now. It was in this spirit that Akane made a major decision
in very little time.
	Ranma was thinking about how weird everything was, with Akane
invisible and nice and all, when he suddenly stiffened. Invisible hands
were touching him. Not only that, but he had never expected to be touched
there in the near future. "Akane? What are you doin'?"
	"Don't you like what I'm doing, Ranma?"
	"Err, yeah, but . . ." He gulped. Her hands did feel very nice.
	"I am your iinazuke, you know."
	"And you call me hentai!" Ranma gasped in wonder. Then, for the
longest time, he didn't say anything. It was getting hard to concentrate
and all. Besides, after a while he started touching Akane back. In fact,
the last coherent thought Ranma had was that he'd have a damn hard time
calling Akane sexless now.

	Early the next morning, Nabiki chuckled over the bathroom footage.
Really, it had been one of her best ideas in weeks to install a microcamera
in there. It had rewarded her with hours of wonderful footage. Really,
she'd never known that Ranma used ventriloquism, much less that he employed
it during that kind of activity. Kuno-chan would pay a bundles for this as
proof of Saotome's perfidity, of course, but she'd need to do some voice
alterations and editing before any of the Ranma chasers would buy it.
Wouldn't want them to know he played with himself while imitating Akane's
voice.
	With that in mind, she knocked on the bathroom door. No noise
whatsoever. She opened the door. He seemed to have fallen asleep in the
furo after his aquatic amusement. Nabiki crept close to him, bent to his
ear, and yelled, "WAKE UP JERK!"
	"I swear, Tendo-ojisan, I wasn't sleeping with Akane!" Ranma
blinked. "Oh, it's you."
	Nabiki frowned. "Who'd you expect? The pope?"
	"You don't _seem_ to be wearing a dress, Nabiki, but . . ."
	"Never mind the pope. Otousan and your idiot father will be back
any minute and I don't think they'd like to find you like this."
	Ranma looked around the bathroom and gulped. "Me neither. Give me a
second and I'll get dressed." He thought for a second and added, "Without
you in the room, please."
	"That'll be a hundred yen."
	He grimaced, "I'll pay you at breakfast."
	"With ten percent interest?"
	"No interest?" he bargined, hopefully.
	"Five percent and you move some furniture for me tomorrow."
	"Done."
	"I'll be in my room. By the way, have you seen Akane anywhere?"
	Ranma laughed nervously, "Not since last night."
	Nabiki shrugged. If she knew her sister, Akane was sulking
somewhere. Nothing to worry about. "She'll turn up eventually."
	"Umm . . . sure." Heh. The macho moron seemed to be pretty damn
nervous about something but Nabiki had no idea what it could be. Maybe he
knew about Akane. Shrugging, she shut the door.
	Ranma breathed an audible sigh of relief. He gently shook the
sleeping form next to him. Thank kamisama she hadn't been fighting in her
sleep. "Akane? Akane . . . Akane-chan?"
	"Mmmm, Ranma-kun . . ." she mumbled groggily as she clung to him.
Then, as the memories of the last night flooded back to her, she sat
straight up. "Am I still invisible? Did I really make love to you?" Ranma
nodded. Akane gulped. "I better go. I'll be back later." She pulled herself
out of the furo, then ran over to where she'd hidden her clothes. Ranma
watched in amazement as the clothing floated in the air and then vanished.
	"Wait! Where are you going?" he called after her as the door
opened. It slammed shut and there was no answer. Great. How was he gonna
break the news to the others?

	Ukyou hummed as she opened up Ucchan's. The customers wouldn't be
there for at least ten or twenty minutes, but opening early put her in a
good mood for the rest of the day. She checked her watch. Konatsu should be
back from market pretty soon.
	She was warming up the grill when she heard a voice. "Morning, Ukyou."
	Ukyou whipped out her megaspatula. "Who the hell are you?"
	"I'm your subconscious, Ukyou."
	"Oh yeah? Why do you sound like Akane, then?" the chef asked
suspiciously.
	"Sheer coincidence."
	"Well, subconscious, why are you bugging me now?"
	Her subconscious seemed to be laughing. "Just wanted to remind you
that there is no way in hell you'll marry Ranma. He loves Akane. You're
just his unofficial sister."
	Ukyou spat in contempt. "Liar! He loves me! I'm his Kawaii Iinazuke!"
	"You're in denial. He's probably already slept with Akane."
	Ukyou groaned, "You know, for a subconcious, you're a real bitch."
	"I'll ignore that insult. Well, if you aren't gonna listen to me,
I'll be going." Her subconscious snickered. "Just one word of advice: stick
to Konatsu."
	Then there was a ringing of the bells as the doors opened.
"Tadaima, Ukyou-sama!" Konatsu called, cheerfully. He stoped suddenly and
frowned. "Are you okay, Ukyou-sama? You look . . . disturbed."
	Ukyou pulled herself together, "I'm okay, Konatsu. I only just
found out that my subsconcious doesn't get along with the rest of me."

	"Akane-chan . . ." Ryouga mumbled, as he shifted a little in his
sleeping bag. "Don't worry, Akane-chan, I'll take care of you. Just wait a
second while I kill Ranma . . . What's that knife you've got in your hand?
AKANE-CHAN!" He screamed, then realized he had been dreaming.
	Ryouga shivered. He had been sweating and combined with the cool
air it gave him a chill.
	"So," a voice behind him said, "who's Akane?"
	Ryouga blinked. He thought he was the only person in this part of
the woods. "Err, did you say something?"
	"I did."
	Ryouga still couldn't see the voice. He grabbed his flashlight. "Do
you think you could come into the light, sir?"
	In front of the beam shining from his electric torch, there was a
shadow. Only a shadow. Ryouga shivered. "Have you seen a small man with
furry feet anywhere?"
	What the heck did you say to a shadow giving you the third degree?
"Err . . . Happosai's pretty small. I'm not sure about his feet, though.
Why do you ask?"
	The shadow sighed. "A long time ago I had a ring, which was stolen
by the little people."
	Ryouga nodded. "Yeah, that sounds like Happosai. He steals
everything that isn't nailed down. Women's underwear seems to be his
favorite, though."
	The shadow shifted in position. "Ahh. Yes, I suppose this Happosai
of yours does have the ring. The little people tried to destroy my ring,
you know. They were going to throw in into Mount Doom, but they took a
wrong turn at Cirith Ungol and accidentally threw it into Mount Dire But
Not Permanent. Still, that effectively put me out of business for the last
few millennia."
	Ryouga nodded. It all sounded like something he had once read about
in school when he was younger.
	"Anyway," the shadow continued, "I have a feeling the little people
have their hands on it again. I feel ever so much more invigorated when
somebody is wearing it. Tell me, do you think you could help me retrieve
the ring from this Happosai of yours?"
	"Well," Ryouga replied, slightly reluctant, "I'm not much for
finding things, but I'll help as much as I can. It's only polite to."
	"If you do find me the ring," the shadow offered, "I'll see what I
can do about helping you with this Akane of yours."
	"For Akane-chan, I, Hibiki Ryouga, shall do anything!" Ryouga
shouted. "It's an agreement . . . err, what is your name, anyway?"
	The shadow seemed to glimmer, like it was smiling. "For now, you
can call me Ying-tse. I have a feeling this is the start of a beautiful
friendship, Ryouga."
	Ryouga nodded. "Do you know how to get to Nerima from here, Ying-tse?"
	Ying-tse looked at the sign post next to them. "Is it anywhere near
Sausalito?"

	"There's no delaying it anymore, Ranma." Nabiki said, as the two
watched Genma and Soun stumble into the koi pond from the window.
"Hangovers or no hangovers, you're gonna have to tell them about Akane
being missing. Do you know when she even left?"
	"Just after you woke me up, Nabiki."
	Nabiki lifted an eyebrow, "I thought you hadn't seen her since last
night." Hmmm, there is something definately screwy with his story, she
thought. I just wish I could put my finger on it.
	"I ain't seen her since then. You didn't say nothin' 'bout being
around her!" Ranma protested.
	Nabiki groaned. "Kamisama, this is obtuse even for you. When I
asked about seeing Akane, I meant being around her in general. Why do you
always take things so literally?"
	Ranma shrugged. "I dunno. Might as well tell them, I guess. You and
Kasumi coming down with me?"
	"I wouldn't miss this for the world, Ranma . . ."
	Soun and Genma currently were lying around on the porch, while
Kasumi was preparing cold packs for their headaches. An empty kettle lay
next to them. "Oyaji? Tendo-ojisan?"
	"What is it, boy?" Genma growled. Oh, his aching head!
	"It's Akane," Ranma explained, scuffing the toe of his shoe on the
floor. "She's invisible, I haven't seen her for hours, and she could be
anywhere in Nerima by now."
	Kasumi smiled. "How nice for Akane-chan." Same old, same old.
	Genma and Soun went from hung-over to enraged in 2.134 seconds.
"RANMA! HOW COULD YOU BE SO CALLOUS THAT YOU LET YOUR IINAZUKE TURN
INVISIBLE AND RUN AWAY!"
	"I couldn't help it!" Ranma gasped, as the two older men took turns
trying to strangle him. "She was showing off her new ring last night and
she just disapeared! Then she tried to mallet me! And then . . ."
	"Then what, Ranma?" Soun asked, or rather his demon-head projection
did. That thing was really making Ranma nervous.
	"Then she appologized to me! Yeah, that's what we did, kiss and
make up! And this morning she just left! I don't know where she is, or what
she's planning, or whether or not she's going to do anything to my other
iinazuke! I'm just as scared as you are, okay?"
	Nabiki chuckled as her future brother-in-law was pounded by their
fathers. This was even better than the whole ventrilloquism theory.
(Besides that, it explained the odd hollows in the bath water.) She
wondered how much money the two would pay to keep the invisible aquatic
escapades secret.
	Still, she couldn't have her imoto-chan invisible forever. For one
thing, there'd be no more pictures to sell to Kuno-chan. That would wreck
next quarter's financial plan. Besides, she liked being able to see Akane.
It was easier to keep an eye on her.
	With Kasumi around, Tofu would be no help at all. Who knew where
that hentai was? That left only one other person left who could help them
and even though Nabiki didn't really like the old crone, there really
wasn't anyone else she could call. Taking a deep breath, Nabiki dialed the
number for the Nekohanten.

	Akane hummed as she skipped down the Neriman streets. She was
getting to really like invisibility. For one thing, it was simple to get
free food. All you had to do was hide it under your shirt and eat it later.
She supposed that counted as stealing, but it was their fault that they had
no invisible girl insurance.
	In fact, the only bad part of her newfound condition seemed to be
the fact that there were all these incredibly spooky shadows that seemed to
lurk everywhere. However, Akane figured that if she'd avoid them, they'd
avoid her.
	Hmmm, should she visit Kodachi or Shampoo next? Akane sat down to
think. Not Kodachi; there was no way she'd be able to avoid all the
psychotic gymnast's traps. She'd figure out some way to get back at her
later. Getting into the Nekohanten would be a lot easier . . .
	It was a hot day and all the storefronts had their doors open. The
Nekohanten was no exception. Akane heared a loud squawk as a bespectacled
duck was hurled out that selfsame portal, barely missing her head.
	"Stupid Mousse," the Joketsuzoku teen grumbled. "Why he no listen
to Shampoo? Shampoo no like his hugs and getting tired of having to throw
him out door. He always interupt Shampoo work!"
	Akane nodded. Exactly how she thought things would look. Now, if
she could only sneak up on Shampoo . . . Her foot stepped on a loose
floorboard.
	The purple-haired girl made a face. "Who go there? Shampoo no see
you." Akane wisely kept her mouth shut. "You no tell Shampoo?" The other
girl sighed. "No one ever tells Shampoo anything."
	As if to prove her wrong, the phone rang. Shampoo ran to catch it.
"Nihao! This Nekohanten. Shampoo speaking. . . . Mercenary girl? Why you
want to speak to hibachan? . . . What pervert girl do now? . . . Oh.
Shampoo see. Will give hibachan phone now. Please hold." She covered the
phone and yelled something in Chinese up the stairs.
	"I'll get the upstairs extension!" a cranky old voice yelled back.
"And Shan Pu? Talk Nihongo. We aren't in China anymore."
	"Japanese stupid language," the Amazon grumbled. "Too many writing
systems, too many words, not enough tones." She, however, consented and
after listening to the phone a little longer, hung up.
	Then she frowned at the space where the floorboard had creaked.
"Akane, Shampoo know you here. If you will just talk to Shampoo, she no
hurt you. Swear this on ancestors." There was a silence. "Please Akane,
that important oath. From what you sister said, you in big trouble."
	An even longer silence followed. Then, finally, "You're right,
Shampoo. I'm here. I've been invisible since last night."
	Shampoo nodded. "Shampoo know that. You sister said so. She talking
to Hibachan right now, we see if she help you."
	"Do I need help?" Akane couldn't help asking that.
	"You want to stay invisible rest of you life?"
	"No."
	"Then Shampoo and hibachan help Akane." Shampoo thought for a
second. "Does Akane have Ring? Hibachan always telling Shampoo about Ring
of Little People. It turn you invisible, but it evil ring. Nine Warriors
had to drop it in volcano."
	"That sounds like something out of this book I read when I was
little. J.R.R. Tolkien, I think."
	Shampoo nodded. "He man that Happosai lent Red Book to. Wrote it up
as 'Hobbit' and 'Lord of Rings.' Became bestseller even though true."
	Akane stared at Shampoo. "Are you telling me that all those Middle
Earth stories are true?"
	"Why else Happosai so short?"
	Akane doubled over in laughter. "Happosai . . . the hobbit? Oh
kamisama, this is too funny."
	"Funny but true." Shampoo observed.
	"I suppose you're an elf, then."
	"Hibachan supposed to be descended from the half elves."
	Akane sat herself on the floor. "And where do I come into this?"
	"You Ring Bearer."
	She shook her head. "I get to play Frodo! This is too funny! If it
weren't for the ring, I wouldn't believe you."
	"Believe Shampoo. She not want to be in you place for all the
world. It important job, hard one. When person bears ring nothing ever the
same for them. They change." The Joketsuzoku took a deep breath. "If Akane
need friend, Shampoo be her. Shampoo know how hard it will be. Shampoo
don't blame Akane for taking away airen."
	There was a sharp intake of breath from Akane.
	"Yes, Shampoo know she have no chance with airen. Only fool not see
that Akane already take his heart before Shampoo came. Shampoo no fool. Her
Japanese horrible, but not stupid. That why Shampoo always mad at Akane; is
you fault she no marry airen. Now Shampoo feel sorry for Akane. Is bad luck
to be Ring Bearer. Shampoo offer friendship instead. Akane, you take?"
	"I'd be honored to be your friend, Shampoo."
	"Thank you, Akane. Hibachan will be down soon and we go to dojo,
yes?" Akane nodded. "You can take off Ring now. Maybe Akane want to be seen
again?"
	Akane, slowly, took off her ring.

	Shan Pu grimaced as the pervert girl . . . err, Akane took of the
ring. She had a feeling that whatever the invisible teen had been up to in
the last few hours was, it wasn't good. Correction: Shan Pu was sure it
wasn't good.
	She was right. Withing a minute after the other girl had taken off
the Ring, Akane was sobbing and gibbering on the floor. She kept talking
about malleting and theft and harassing the spatula girl and killing their
airen for taking advantage of her emotional state and not being on some
sort of pill. She really was an emotional wreck, and, in any other
circumstances, Shan Pu wouldn't have minded it one bit.
	However, Akane had just been dumped with more problems than even
the person who had stolen her airen away deserved. Shan Pu could not bring
herself to find anything but pity for the girl lying prostrate on the
floor. She sighed and put her arms around her former enemy.
	"Shhh. It okay. Akane not know what she doing. Ring make people
act, umm . . . what the Japanese word for it? Irrational, that it. Ring
make Akane act irrational. Now that Akane have Ring off, she back to
normal."
	Akane muttered something about it not changing what she had done.
Shan Pu sighed and shook her head. "What past is past, Akane. You no change
it, Shampoo no change it, hibachan no change it, no one change it. Just
past." Akane didn't seem to be near stopping.
	Shan Pu started singing an old lullaby Hibachan had taught her. The
familiar melody and Mandarin words had always comforted her, at least.

	"Hush little child
	 You're safe in my arms
	 You're almost a warrior now
	 But with me you can rest
	 And when you grow old
	 You might rock me too"

	About the third or fourth repetition, Akane seemed to be stopping
her sniffling. "Thank you, Shampoo," she murmured softly.
	"It nothing really."
	Akane shook her head. "It wasn't nothing. We've always fought, but
you were taking care of me when I needed help. I feel bad for always being
mad at you."
	Shan Pu shrugged. "It situation. If not for airen, Akane and
Shampoo might be good friends. Same thing with spatula girl and psycho
girl. Sometimes Shampoo angry when she think of that and the messes airen
makes."
	"Yeah, I can understand that." Akane sighed. "It's funny, but I
never thought you were that smart or anything, but you keep saying things
that make sense today."
	Shan Pu cocked her head. "How good is Akane at Mandarin?"
	"Errr, actually I know nothing about the language."
	"Same thing with Shampoo and Japanese when she first meet airen.
She make much progress, but still far to go. It almost as bad as English."
	Akane wrinkled her brow. "You know English?"
	Shan Pu quickly counted on her fingers. "Shampoo know five major
Chinese dialects including Cantonese and Tibetian fluently. Is semi-fluent
in English, since she been learning it for years, but Japanese still
horrible."
	Akane shook her head in amazement. "Wow." She paused, as if in
thought. "Think you could teach me Mandarin?"
	Shan Pu smiled. "Is actually good idea. We may have to go through
China to find volcano and not many people know Japanese. We start tomorrow,
all right?"
	Akane nodded. "Thank you, Shampoo."
	Shan Pu tried to feign humility. "It really nothing, but you
welcome, Akane."
	The talk turned to trivial things, like why Ranma was so stupid,
speculations about what he was like in bed (Akane seemed to be blushing a
disporportionate amount on that one), the reason for Joketsuzoku laws, and
whether or not Jay Leno was an alien. Really, Shan Pu mused, it was too bad
they had started off on the wrong foot.
	Hibachan eventually finished talking to the mercenary girl and came
down to talk to Shan Pu about plans. They stared at her for a second, and
she at them. The Joketsuzoku Elder finally broke the silence.
	"Oh. You found her. Good work Shan Pu. I'll just go upstairs and
put a watch out for Happi-kun." And that was exactly what hibachan did, as
Shan Pu turned to Akane, inquiring about just what she really thought about
those plastic bricks.

	Shashimasu Rei sighed as he hung up the phone. He hated being on
Happosai watch. Was it his fault that the little man from hell had singled
out the Kinu no Hina as the perfect lingerie shop? All those lovely
negligees he lost every week . . .
	Well, Rei supposed that if the midget ever paid for things it
wouldn't be so bad. Heck, it would be nice to have someone around who he
could talk shop with. All the other members in the Intimate Appearal
Storeowner's League seemed to female or homosexual or both. It just wasn't
the same when you talked to people who actually wore the stuff or never
watched distaff in the material of the trade . . .
	Heh. He was getting sidetracked. Anyway, the Hina would have been
in the same predicament if Shiri hadn't gone back to college for her
engineering degree. Getting the Hina from oneechan really did help Rei find
his true calling. He should tell Shiri that some time.
	Did he just here what he thought he heard? "Whadda haul! Whadda
haul!" Yes, that in the distance there was the voice of the thief. Wonder
if he'll try to charge the bill to either of those Saotome siblings again?
Not to mention who in the world was crazy enough to give twins the same
names?
	Rei sat back in his chair. The inevitable would be happening any
second now. In fact, it took 46.387 second for the inevitable. When the
small nuisance was making his way across the second aisle of brassieres
crying something that sounded like "sweeto!", Rei cleared his throat.
	"I have a message for Tsuuku Happosai, son of Tsuuku Napposai and
Nikkei, of the line of Faramir and Goldilocks Took, current, if defunct,
Thain of whatever remains of the Greater Smials, from a Chaukikiang Khu
Lon, High Matriarch of the Nujiezu of Qinghai, China."
	The little man with furry feet pause in mid panty-fondle and stared
at Rei. "Really. Pity. And I was just getting into my stride too." He
sighed dramatically, as was the metier of most dramatic people in Nerima.
"Well then, out with it, boy."
	Rei narrowed his eyes, "Chaukikiang-san says that she's found the
ring -- which she told me to pronounce capitalized, but it doesn't matter
-- and you are to proceed directly to the dojo."
	Happosai frown. "Heh. Never counted on that happening today. Guess
that means my plans are cancelled. Hey, do you mind holding on to my silky
darlings while I go and do the annoying stuff?"
	Rei had to keep himself from sweating those little drops that
always showed up at the most innopportune moments. "Umm, sure."
	"Thanks a bundle. By the way, you have a wonderful establishment."
With that, the minature pain-in-the-butt was gone and Rei finally let his
tightly-wound nerves relax.

	Kasumi was watching the window. Finally Otousan and Saotome-ojisan
had stopped throwing around poor Ranma-kun. That was nice. If they hadn't
stopped the poor boy could have gotten whiplash. She looked over at
Nabiki-chan for just a second. The poor child still seemed pretty worried
about Akane-chan, but she hid it well.
	If Akane-chan didn't get back soon then she'd have to turn all the
window-watching duties to Nabiki-chan. Kasumi supposed that would be all
right, but she'd rather do it herself. Unfortunately, her family needed to
eat and if Kasumi didn't cook supper, who would?
	Well, they could always invite Saotome-obasan over, but Kasumi
didn't really like to be a burden to her if she could help it. Speaking of
Ranma-kun's mother, she ought to have Nabiki-chan call her over. This
concerned her son and his iinazuke and she deserved to know about it.
	With that done with, Kasumi turned again to the window. She was
becoming impatient and that wasn't a nice thing for her to be. It made
Kasumi feel like little pins left over from the patterning of the last
dress she had sewed were stuck all along her arms and legs. No, it wasn't
nice at all.
	Good. They were on their way to the gate. Kasumi ran to the door
and opened it, "Hello Khu Lon-sobo, Shan Pu-chan, Akane-chan. I made
cookies."
	The old woman smiled pleasantly. "Arigato, Kasumi-san. I took the
liberty of calling Happosai. Pass the plate, Akane. Shan Pu will want some
cookies as well."
	"Akane?" Ranma-kun certainly had good ears. There he was, running
out and hugging her, like Kasumi knew he would do someday. "I was worried
about you, Akane. You can be more of a baka than even me."
	Otousan and Saotome-ojisan stared at Ranma-kun. "Tendou?"
	"Yes, Saotome?"
	"Did I just see my son embrace your daughter?"
	"You did. And that means . . ."
	"THEY'RE GONNA GET MARRIED!!" Otousan and Saotome-ojisan started
dancing around in circles. Every few seconds they stopped and clutched
their heads and said, "Ow, my hangover." Kasumi laughed. They could be so
funny sometimes, although Otousan's crying was often so hard to mop up.
	Ranma-kun turned to the two men. "Stop doing that, Oyaji! Just
'cause I show a little affection to Akane, you blow it all out of
proportion. I am not marrying her today, tommorrow, or any other day this
week." He faced Akane-chan again. "Sorry about them. They've been acting
stupider than usual all day. You all right?"
	Akane-chan wheezed, "Just a little short of breath. You're
squeezing me a little too hard, Ranma."
	"Oh. Sorry." He let go of her and turned towards Shan Pu-chan. "So,
you found Akane."
	The nice young Joketsuzoku nodded. "Shampoo knew that airen worried
about Akane. It okay, we have nice talk about airen. Understand each other
now."
	Ranma-kun shuffled his feet a little. "Well, thanks anyway. I owe
you one, Shampoo."
	"Shampoo know." Well! That was a nice way to greet Ranma-kun, but
perhaps it would be best if Shan Pu-chan would let him breathe. "Akane, why
you look at Shampoo like that. He my airen too. You kiss him later."
	Akane-chan was still a little red in the face, but she nodded.
Nabiki-chan laughed. "This is what they call understanding each other? I
wonder what they call arguing?"
	Kasumi, however, was staring out into the distance again. She
smiled as she saw two others approaching the gate. "Saotome-obasan! How
nice of you to give Happosai-sofu a lift. Would you like any cookies?
They're chocolate chip."
	Ranma-kun's mother seemed to be a little too busy to answer Kasumi,
as she seemed to be trying to pry Happosai-sofu from her bosom. "Damn
hobbit," she muttered. "I have no idea at all what great-grandfather saw in
them."
	After one last cry of "Sweeto!" from Happosai-sofu, Saotome-obasan
suceeded on getting him down. "Well," he said, "mind if we go inside for a
second, Kasumi-chan? You aren't cleaning or anything, are you?"
	"Oh, not anymore. I finished that ages ago. I'll be making supper
in a half-hour, though." Kasumi raised her voice about one notch, so
everyone could hear her over the usual noise.
	Happosai-sofu nodded as the Tendou, Saotome, and Joketsuzoku clans
stampeded into the living room. "I always love your cooking."
	"Arigato, Happosai-sofu. So, do you know why Akane-chan is invisible?"
	"That? It's because I'm a hobbit and she's gotten a hold of the One
Ring, which means Sauron probably is around somewhere and we're going to
have to go to the vicinity of China and dump it into a volcano again. The
ring, I mean. We'll need nine people for a new fellowship and everything."
	Kasumi smiled. "How nice."

End Chapter One.

Next Chapter: "A long time ago . . . "

Wait, wrong media empire! Actually, it's really called: "Happosai . . . the
Hobbit?"

Notes from Malsin:

	Well, I finished part of a Ranmafic. Wow. I feel a lot better now.
Usually it takes me forever to get anything in Ranma done, which is why
those chapters of my multicrossover "Rhi and Ti's Excellent Adventures" are
slow going. Luckily, I had a long series of inspirations and got this done
it little over a month. Cool.
	This fic came from two things: Angus McSpon's own Ranma/Tolkein
crossover (a spamfic, as they say, where Happosai was really Sauron and
Ryouga the ringbearer) and the nagging suspicion that there had to be a
good reason why Happosai was so short. From that was born this fic,
originally christianed "Happosai, the Hobbit." I changed the name after the
fic metamorphasised from light comedy to dark tragicomedy. Yes, things
might get a little dark later on, but thats what you get when you try to
interpolate Middle Earth with Takahashi. Oh well.
	Anyway, thanks for reading this and Chapter Two might come out
sometime in the near future.

Credit:
	Ranma Nibun no Ichi, Urusei Yatsura, and all related characters are
copywrite Takahashi Rumiko.
	"The Lord of the Rings" and related characters were copywrited
J.R.R. Tolkein, but since he's dead now I'm not sure who owns them. Mybe
his son Christopher.
	Most of the rest should be verbatum Becky Malsin so far . . .