From the Desk of Sailor Polaris
	  Director of Crystal Tokyo Media Relations
	  
Rei,
    looks like those rumours were true but I don't see what we can do 
about it.  It's being published abroad so we can't block it and even 
if they were using a CT publisher we wouldn't have grounds to stop 
them.  Freedom of speech, remember?    If we claim slander they'll 
claim satire, the courts would find for them and all we'd accomplish 
would be giving them a lot of free publicity plus a new blurb for the 
cover.  "The book Crystal Tokyo doesn't want you to read!" or 
something like that.  You know that always boosts foreign sales.

So we're stuck, all we can do is ignore it or laugh it off.  We're 
the openminded, magnanimous ones, remember?  

That aside I had a word with one of the authors.  I'll bet you can
guess which one.  No chance Maggie's going to come back or get 
within arm's reach of either of us if he can help it.  Besides
from all accounts he's settled down in Morrocco.  I don't care 
what Ferrite said it all makes me wonder just how good Sailor 
Nemesis' therapists really were.  Course it's hard to believe Maggie
becoming an item with any Senshi, no matter how whacked out.  He's
not exactly a fan of the profession.  Anyway like I said Margrave
gave me an advance look at the draft version of the first chapter,
authorial exchanges and all (including a few notes I added).  So at
least we get a little advance warning and just maybe a chance to
persuade them to do a few rewrites.

BTW I told you bringing Margrave into the Palace offically wouldn't
change.  So much for your betting me that becoming Ami's number one 
research assistant would give her a vested interest in upholding 
the status quo.  If anything this book's her way off saying she's the
same old Margrave.  Should have listened to me, I've known my big 
sister a lot longer than you have 

Ti

PS - You lost the bet, I'll set up the photoshoot for next week ;)

********************Attached material follows************************



The Cynic's Guide To Crystal Tokyo
 A Realistic Look at the World's Most Overhyped City
by Margrave and Magnesite 

Chapter 1 - Who Are These People Anyway?

Before we get into the city proper it's a good idea to take a quick 
look at the people running the place.  After all not only are they
the government of the most prosperous city state on Earth but 
individually they command greater magical power than every other mage 
in the world combined.  Be afraid, be very afraid!

I. The Royal Family

"Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a
 system of govenment."
 -Dennis, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
 

Neo Queen Serenity : From Airhead to Ascendency
     When it comes to this woman many people have asked the same 
question.  "What exactly does 'neo queen' mean anyway?"  The answer is 
nobody really knows but it sounds good to her.  If that doesn't worry 
you keep reading and we'll see what we can do about that.
     The other question people have asked (though usually in shorter 
form) is this.  "Just what qualifies Chiba Usagi (nee Tsukino) a 
former children's book writer who barely graduated high school as 
ruler of this paradise and wielder of the world's most potent magical
artifact?"  Ask anyone in Crystal Tokyo and you get the same answer.
"She's the reincarnation of a moon princess who died 13,000 years 
ago."  The amazing thing is they'll say it with a straight face.
     So even if you accept that then what has that got to do with 
ruling a terrestrial kingdom?  Beats me but nobody questions it.
Besides she is married to the supposed reincarnation of the ancient 
rulers of Earth so there's some legitimacy to it.  If you believe 
that I've got some reclaimed land in the Amazon Rainforest to sell 
you.
    Of course we could be selling her short.  Maybe she's wiser than 
we think.  Just listen to a few of her speeches of days gone by for 
her wit and wisdom. 

    [There's nothing here yet but a lot of date & place references for
     several of Serenity's speeches.  I checked them and I have to 
     admit they found all the corniest ad-libbed ones I was hoping 
     everyone would just forget - Ti]
    
    That's enough of that.  Let's look at the other half of the royal 
family.     


"You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody!"
- Brian, "Life of Brian"

Endymion : The Reluctant King
     What can you say about a guy who used to run around town in a 
tuxedo and whose response when his girlfriend was attacked by monsters
was to tell her to kick its ass?  Many things indeed but we come to 
praise Endymion not to bury him.
     Like his queen (and practically everyone else in the CT heirarcy)
he's supposed to be reincarnated.  In his case he's supposedly 
rightful heir to the throne of Earth.  This may not exist anymore but 
since he's got a real throne in Crystal Tokyo why doesn't he ever do 
anything apart from follow his wife's lead?  No one knows but it's 
the same pattern he followed in his Tuxedo Mask days.  

     [Shots of TM watching battles from sidelines while Sailor Moon 
      kicks butt to be added - Margrave.]  
     [There's so many examples it's an embarassment of riches -
      Magnesite]
     [Least you didn't say the stuff that dreams are made of - 'Grave]

     Exactly why he always takes a backseat to her nobody knows though 
as one of your humble authors can attest there are some men who get a 
real charge out of being dominated by women.  Though it takes an 
effort to imagine Serenity in leather.  

     
Hopefully that helped.    
   
"I realized that you are all unworthy of having me as your King.  I
am retiring to sit on a soft pillow"
- Dogbert, "Dilbert"
    
Princess Usagi : Heckraiser
     There are many things that can be said about Princess Usagi but
as one of the authors lives in Crystal Tokyo and would prefer to avoid
treason charges we'll stick to the facts that can't be legally denied.
Spoiling a kid rotten and giving her a shapeshifting toy/tool that can
control adults minds doesn't make for a well rounded childhood.  Things
escalated after her Senshi powers manifested and that Sailor Chibi-Moon
nonsense began.  Despite gaining her powers at a younger age than any
other known True Senshi and having a city full of Senshi with a millenia
of experience to teach her she remains the most inept Sailor known. She
even makes her mother's career look like a model of excellence.
     It's a mixed blessing that Crystal Tokyo's low crime rate, her
overly protective parents, our Sailor Senshi and the fact any invader
with any sense will avoid CT for as long as possible has kept her out of
any real action.  On the one hand it means the royals don't have to give
her siblings as they aren't about to lose the only  heir to the throne.
Thus sparing the rest of us more examples of their child-rearing skills.
On the the other hand it's resulted in her being even less grounded in
reality than her mother was during her career as Sailor Moon.
     Having recently entered her gawky adolescence the princess has
officially taken the name Sailor Moon and is often seen bitching at
the lack of evil to fight.  Or complaining how dull things have been
since she supposedly saved the world during her younger days.  Our
most earnest hope is that she's just making that up.  The thought
that the fate of the world might have ever rested on that fluff filled
pink head is deeply disturbing.  It's fortunate that her parents'
immortality also makes her unlikely to ever assume the throne or we'd
be facing mass insurrection after she started passing laws mandating
compulsory cuteness.

II. The Sailor Senshi

"...If I only had a brain"
  -Scarecrow, "The Wizard of Oz."
    
Sailor Venus : Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy
     In the old days people used to argue who was the biggest ditz
among the Sailor Senshi.  Ever since Sailor Moon transformed into
Neo-Queen Serenity, Minako Aino has held the title without any
competition.  Sadly she also holds the post of Foreign Affairs
Director.  Fortunately thanks to Serenity's magically acquired
maturity she made Venus a figurehead rather than a maker of
policy.  Venus serves as Crystal Tokyo's goodwill ambassador
travelling around the world when we need someone to remind other
nations that despite the fact we could conquer the world any time
we want they don't need to worry as we're just a loveable bunch
of goofs.  Venus is perfect for the job and has yet to start a
major war.
     Besides working on behalf of Crystal Tokyo she has also
maintained a successful music career for centuries.  As people
will buy anything with Sailor Senshi on it the quality of her
singing is basically irrelevant.  Which might be a major
advantage to Ms. Aino.  Studies suggest that the idol singer
phenomena had peaked and would have burned out in the mid
21st century if a singing Sailor Venus hadn't revived it.
Rumours persist that an underground of music lovers formed for
the sole purpose of assassinating her but while there have been
the odd assassination attempt at her concerts Sailor Senshi
are notoriously difficult to kill.  Just remember if you do
attend a Minako concert to try and stay out of the line of
fire.
     One of the two married Sailor Senshi having fallen for her
former arch enemy, Dark Lord Calcite, Venus and her husband were
recently voted mostly likely to kill one another and take a
large part of the city with them during a domestic dispute for
the 900th time.  Would-be comics never tire of pointing out that
with Calcite being a youma their relationship is technically
beastility.  Would-be comics who say this earshot of Vensu quickly
find out the limits of her famed sense of humour.

"Democracy is a cancer eating at the heart of our society.  Any action we
 have to take to stamp it out, However regretable, is justified."
- Judge Dredd, "Revolution"
    
Sailor Mars : That's Ms. Bitch to you!   
[To a point a lost love is tragic.  Then it becomes psychotic
 obsession channeled into her job.  Sooner she gets laid and
 stops bitching about whathisface the better - M&M]

"Someday my prince will come ..."
- Cinderella (according to Walt Disney)
     
Sailor Jupiter : Fool for love  
[Speaking of obsessions ... Has seen similarities between 
 every man in Crystal Tokyo and long dead first boyfriend
 who dumped her centuries ago.  Then fell for a woman?
 All of which raises doubts about her mental stability.  To
 make matters worse guess who runs the CT army? - M&M]

"Sometimes I wonder ...; wonder why anyone should not wish to be 
 perfect in a perfect world.  Sometimes I wonder why that bothers 
 me, and sometimes ... sometimes I just wonder."
- Miracleman "Olympus"

Sailor Polaris : Reality check, please!
     An old acquaintance of both authors
[HAH! - That's one way to put it Maggie! - Ti]
                                         Sailor Polaris is the
only Lesser Senshi in the Crystal Tokyo heirarcy.  For those
who never could get the difference between that and a True Senshi
the True Senshi draw their strength from the planets in their
title while Lesser Senshi draw on some source in their immediate
environment.  Sailor Polaris aka Titanite doesn't have a planet
to draw power from.  Partially because all the worlds in this
solar systema have been pre-empted but mostly because Serenity
blew up her homeworld back in her Sailor Moon days.  Despite
which Titanite spent her adolescence plotting and scheming to
join the Senshi which is a funny reaction to genocide.
     Venus has the singing side of things sewn up so Polaris has
taken the post of resident actor among the Senshi.  Fortunately
her post as Director of CT Media Relations keeps her from blessing
us with her thespian skills too frequently.
[I swear if I ever find out Magnesite didn't write this part
 ... Pow! Zoom! To the Moon! - Ti]

IIa. Non Government Sailor Senshi

"How long, Oh Lord, must I suffer?"
- Job (or possibly Mr. Carlson contemplating Les Nessman)
    
Sailor Mercury : Longsuffering to a fault   
[Only sane one in whole bunch?  Resigned government post to
 head CTU.  Finds freshmen more mature than former 
 collegues?  Maintains her marriage by only seeing her husband
 every 50 years, Cal & Mina could learn from her - M&M]

Sailor Neptune - [MIA]
Sailor Uranus - [ditto]
Sailor Pluto - [rumours she exists or at least did exist once upon 
		a time]
Sailor Saturn - [see Pluto]
Sailor Nemesis - [unaffiliated with CT] 
[Why bother filling in these entries?  The first two haven't been seen in
 centuries, Pluto and Saturn may never have existed and Naru-chan's never
 had anything to do with running CT - Magnesite]
[Naru-chan?  You are getting domesticated - Margrave] 
[{Explitive deleted - Ti} you.  Leave Naru out of it.  As for the others 
 Neptune and Uranus were long gone before I was unfrozen so if you want
 to add them it's your look out - Magnesite]

III. The Guardians

"I don't like being a bastard but they give me no choice ...
 that's probably what God says."
- Marshal Law, "The Hateful Dead"

Calcite : King of Grim 
     Formerly Lord Calcite he took the new title after the Guardian
rank was revived in the wake of the war.  A longtime advisor to Neo
Queen Serenity and rumoured to be her personal hatchetman when
things have to be done that don't fit CT's squeaky clean image he
is also suspected to have set up the Secret Service that Crystal
Tokyo doesn't have.  Besides being the leader of the Guardians he
works for the Foriegn Affairs Directorate taking care of the details
while Sailor Venus takes the credit.  As was previously noted the pair
of them are a husband and wife team.  An effective combination with
Venus loving the spotlight while Calcite prefers to pull the strings
from behind the scenes.  Calcite and Venus have a happy century of
marriage behind them.  Unfortunately that ended about 800 years ago.
These days they swing wildly between love and hate with stops at all
the stations inbetween.  Most of the blame must fall on Calcite.  He
should have known there'd be trouble if he married a woman dumb enough
to buy the Dark Lord Calcite act he ran while working for the Dark
Kingdom.

 [Add a few pages of Dark Lord Calcite overdone scripted
  dialogue - Magnesite]
 [Have to charm the old scripts out of Pyrite, he'll have them
  stored somewhere - Margrave]
 [Watch out for Azurite.  Anything happens to you I have to
  finish writing this by myself - Magnesite]
 [Your concern is touching - Margrave]

          No one in CT seems worried that their chief Guardian spent
his formative years working for the bad guys but as that applies to
three of the four Guardians why single him out?  
     During the years when his marriage is really on the rocks Calcite
tends to leave CT to unwind by turning vigilante and busting heads.
In his not so secret anymore identity of Gray he finds himself some spot
the Hunters aren't working and rolls into town to solve their problems
like a combo of two ancient Hollywood icons.  Namely Clint Eastwood's
'Man with no name' with a John Woo script.    
	   
"Time to play!"
- Pinhead, "Hellraiser"

Azurite : S&M Power, Makeup! 
[Formerly Sailor Arcturus but the image conflicted with CT's
 family values theme.  Beware!  Unlike all the other immortals
 couldn't settle down but kept jumping jobs.  Imply lacks longterm
 staying power?- M&M]

"Beat me up Scotty"
- [charactername], "Wild Palms"

Pyrite : The Last Trekkie
     Sole remaining follower of a 20th century religion that didn't have 
the staying power of the Presleyian faith.    
[Need more.  Long term tenure jokes?  Imply he's the Bill Gates of
 Magic with most of the world running off spells he patented?
 Exaggeration sure but we aren't writing this under oath  - M&M]
 
"When you wish upon a star ..."
- Jiminy Cricket, "Pinnochio"

Chrysolite : Starry Eyed Woman
     Chrystine Phobos, the vigilante formerly known as Twilight, assumed
her Guardian name on elevation to the rank in accordance with the ancient 
tradition that Guardians must be named after minerals.  Perhaps as a sign 
you'd need rocks in your head to want the job.  The sole human in the 
group she was only brought in at the last minute when Ferrite turned it
down.
 [Need more. Include some innuendo about her and Makoto? - Magnesite]
 [Have to be done carefully, they're keeping it quiet and she's
  more likely to resort to violence than lawsuits.  Might be better
  to raise a few doubts about her psuedo-human status,  Still can't
  work out why she's hiding her youmahood - Margrave]
 [Maybe you can start some youma pride meetings.  The Renegades don't
  exactly advertise the fact either - Magnesite]


IV. Miscellaneous

"He doesn't know which of us I am these days but they know one 
 truth.  You must own nothing but yourself.  You must make your own 
 life, live your own life and die your own death ... or else you will 
 die another's"

- From Alfred Bester's, "Fondly Farenheit"

Ferrite : Yes, I Believe in Reincarnation
[Rumoured he will not smile until Endymion conquers the Earth and
 declares himself King.  Must be galling to Irons Corp to have to turn
 the company over to any slob off the street who walks in and says
 "I'm Ferrite" after the old one cacks - M&M]


Back to Mark's page